Teaching older kids self-control

Do homework or play a video game? Study for that math test or check Instagram? Noting that kids almost always have more entertaining alternatives to doing schoolwork, that self-control is an even bigger predictor of kids’ academic success than intelligence. Kids who can resist momentary temptations in order to pursue longer term goals get more out of their learning opportunities and do better academically.

The good news is that older children can improve their self-discipline skills. Keep in mind that a person鈥檚 ability to control impulses can take years to develop. In fact, neuroscientists tell us the prefrontal cortex 鈥� the 鈥渉igher reasoning鈥� part of the brain that controls everything from reasoning to empathy 鈥� usually kicks into high gear starting at puberty until it’s fully developed around the early 20s.

While their brains are busily working on impulse control, you can also offer ways to help your children rein in challenging emotions and behavior. For you and them, the payoff is enormous. Tweens and teens who learn to put off leisure until finishing their responsibilities, remain calm in demanding situations, and stop themselves before doing something harmful to themselves and others have a greater chance of doing well in school and at home. They also have an important set of skills to become a successful adult.

Lay out expectations

Some tweens and teens react badly because they don鈥檛 know what to expect in some situations or, just as important, what will be expected of them. So try to fill kids in ahead of time if they need to wait for something or be asked to do a difficult task: 鈥淭his Saturday I鈥檇 like you to help us clean out the garage. This should take until about noon. But after that, you鈥檒l have the rest of the day free.鈥�

Give them the words

Giving voice to behavioral and emotional outbursts can help older children be more in control. What鈥檚 more, articulating what they鈥檙e feeling teaches them to recognize difficult feelings before unwisely acting on them: 鈥淵ou seemed unhappy when your friends didn鈥檛 invite you to go swimming with them. That must have felt pretty bad.鈥�

Model self-control

This can demand real commitment on a parent鈥檚 part. But if children see the adults in their lives exhibiting self-control, they鈥檙e more likely to do it themselves.

When you find yourself in a frustrating situation, take the opportunity to come up with a solution to the problem. If you get a parking ticket, count to 10 until the impulse to lose your temper passes. Can鈥檛 find your wallet and now you鈥檙e late taking the kids to school and going to work? Take a breath and ask out loud where you left it last. When you realize it鈥檚 in your other purse, you鈥檙e not only modeling problem-solving 鈥� you鈥檙e also staying in control! A great life lesson for your children to witness.

Take a break

Encourage children to take a break when they seem out-of-control. If they鈥檙e building into a rage over challenging homework or chores, suggest they step away from the task until they鈥檝e had time to cool down. If they鈥檙e old enough, some kids do best by taking a walk around the block. Others benefit from having a snack or a few minutes of a pleasurable distraction, like shooting hoops or reading a favorite book. Children this age are also old enough to employ simple relaxation techniques like sitting calmly, closing their eyes, and breathing deeply.

Reinforce the positive

When you see your children demonstrating self-control 鈥� be it turning down loud music when you ask or practicing an instrument even though they鈥檙e missing a favorite TV show 鈥� let them know. Tell them you respect and appreciate their efforts. This kind of positive reinforcement will help them think of themselves as people who can successfully control their behavior: 鈥淚 know you wanted to get together with your friends. You should be really proud you finished practicing and figured out a way to see them tomorrow.鈥�