Your child stomps around the house after a long day at school, sulks in a quiet rage when asked to pick up their clothes off the floor, or has a meltdown when told to turn off a screen. Sound familiar?
Children tend to lose control of their emotions easily and more intensely than parents might like. At this age, āTheyāre showing and telling you their feelings the only way they know how,ā explains , a Brooklyn-based psychologist who specializes in working with parents. It helps to remind yourself that however articulate they are, third, fourth, and fifth graders are still kids whose brains and bodies have a long way to go before adulthood. If they havenāt yet learned to express themselves more clearly — as well as safely and respectfully — thatās okay. Hereās how parents can help.
Check out The essential guide to managing your child’s behavior and discipline. In our guide, you can see all the aspects of children’s behavior that we cover. Our guide helps you understand your childās behavior, respond with care, and use discipline effectively.
Understand that your child’s anger is a ācover-up emotionā
When a child is disrespectful and defiant, a parentās impulse may be to pile on punishments and remove privileges. But responding angrily to your childās anger only intensifies the emotional storm. The reason this doesnāt work, say child development experts who focus on positive discipline, is that your childās anger isnāt the real problem. Itās a symptom of what your child is really feeling. Itās more effective, then, to look at their anger as a ācover-up emotionā that is masking the emotions fueling the anger, including anxiety, fear, loneliness, and insecurity.
Understanding your childās overwhelming feelings is needed now more than ever. Months into a pandemic thatās keeping most families in close quarters 24/7, thereās even more opportunity for tempers to flare. āThese days, Iām hearing a lot about kidsā anger,ā says Coor. āKids who were away from their parents [at school] are being told what to do all the time.ā
By doing emotional detective work — Is my child feeling lonely because they feel left out at school? Did I interrupt them in the middle of a game so they feel frustrated? Are they scared of my angry reaction if they didnāt finish their math homework? — a parent can help a child channel their emotions into something more manageable and less explosive. After all, kids this age are years from having a fully developed prefrontal cortex, which is the brainās control center for executive function that helps humans regulate their difficult feelings.
Let them have their feelings (even the ābadā ones)
āItās so disrespectful to not let people, including our children, have their feelings,ā says Jane Nelsen, author of the series. First, acknowledge their anger or frustration. Next, help them find a way to express their strong feelings safely and respectfully. Respecting a childās emotions does not mean telling a child to calm down, says Ayden Sanders, a teen who struggled with anger as a child. āMy mom and dad would tell me to calm down. That only makes it worse,ā he explains. Indeed, trying to tell someone not to express, and thereby feel, their emotions never helps.
Instead, simply describe the behavior youāre observing as a way of validating what theyāre feeling. This is a first step toward building your childās self-awareness and self-regulation — and a helpful step away from chaos and confusion. Nelsen suggests something as simple as, āI can see you’re really angry right now. Remember I love you very much and I am here if you need a hug.ā If theyāre open to it, she says, simply ask, āCan you tell me more?āā
Coor agrees that empathy does wonders to calm the storm. āWork to see the situation from their point of view,ā she says. āState your understanding of it. When kids feel understood, theyāre more likely to settle down, even if things donāt work out the way they wanted them to.ā
Focus on connection, not punishment
When your child is frustrated, angry, or raging, try your best not to rush to correct them, says Coor. Instead, try to connect with them. Why? Connecting with your child helps both of you to get to the heart of what caused the outburst in the first place. Itās very possible your child seemed angry about cleaning their room, but when tempers have cooled, there may be a solution to a problem — since anger is an expression of a problem waiting for a solution — that can be solved. Maybe you always ask them to clean their room before simply checking in about their day. Maybe they feel you are quick to nag or admonish instead of first giving them a hug (yes, elementary schoolers benefit from hugs, even if they get all eye-rolly about it). Maybe they need some downtime after school or on Saturday morning before turning to chores. This is not to suggest that they get a pass from doing whatās expected. But if the end goal is to have a close, honest relationship with your child, some extra homework on a parentās part will pay off in the long run.
Much of a child’s anger is justifiable (so just listen)
Another reason for your third, fourth, or fifth graderās anger, aside from school, social, and family pressures, is that your child may be reacting with outrage at environmental, political, and racial problems. Developmentally, kids ages 7 to 11 are working to create a strong sense of self thatās independent from their parents. They are also rather newly aware of the bigger world around them, and their sense of fairness, right and wrong, and justice are strong.
āA parentās first impulse is to try to make them feel better,ā says Coor. āBut you canāt make your child feel anything. What you can do is be there for them. Just the words āTell me about it, Iām here,ā will let them know you are there for them. You donāt need to solve the problem. They may just need a listening ear and express their frustration.ā
Know whatās ānormal,ā and whatās not
For the most part, a childās anger is pretty typical and developmentally appropriate. But itās a good idea to seek help when your childās anger — emotional or physical — hurts other family members or themself. āIf you have a really volatile kid, I would go for help,ā says Coor. āYou can try as hard as you can, but there are times you need an extra human.ā
Also know that children with ADHD have an especially hard time with frustration and anger and may be far more reactive. If you suspect your child has an underlying behavioral or learning issue, third through fifth grade is a good time to find out and get an evaluation and professional support.
This is what happened for Jamie Sanders, who . Her son, Ayden, was diagnosed with ADHD. Now, Sanders and her husband use positive discipline to handle their sonās strong emotions, such as talking through any difficult moments they have, and discussing ways they can all do better. āHe does still occasionally have outbursts,ā says Sanders. āBut it’s not anywhere near as bad and not very often. Our home life is much calmer now.ā
Model behavior you want to see
After a difficult scene with your child, circle back when everyone has calmed down. If you need to apologize for losing your cool, apologize. (Remember: you are modeling how to say, āIām sorry.ā) āThis can go a long way to mending hurt feelings,ā says Nelsen, and teaches your child that anyone can make mistakes, even parents.
Plus, says Nelsen, āHow can you expect children to control their behavior when you donāt model controlling your own?ā Even when it seems they arenāt, children are looking to you as an example. āIf you are a person who throws a stapler across the room, donāt be surprised if your child does the same,ā says Coor. Conversely, if youāre angry, but can calmly tell your child in respectful words what is bothering you, they are learning to express emotions in a way that lets them, and the other person, feel safe and understood.
Nelsen offers an example of good modeling: āāWow, youāre really angry. I wonder what I did to upset you so much? I need some time out until I can talk to you more respectfully.ā Or, āWhat would help us right now? Would it help us to take time out? Iām here to listen.ā ā
Aydenās advice for parents dealing with their childās anger? āIāve thought about this a lot,ā he says, perhaps having picked up some positive discipline techniques modeled by his parents. āI would leave them alone if theyāre mad and talk to them after about it, when theyāre more chilled-out.ā
