Social skills in elementary school

We all know the neighbor that everyone ducks because they never stop talking, the workmate who gets passed over for promotion because their grumpiness derails every meeting, or the acquaintance that doesn驶t get included in after-work drinks because they ask intrusive questions and can驶t be trusted not to gossip. No way do we want our child to grow up to be one of those people. If your child’s social skills are one of the many parenting worries on your plate, take heart. There is much you can do to foster social skills that will make your child a welcome addition to any situation.

鈥淧arents spend a lot of time worrying about how to help their children do well in school, but often they focus mainly on the academic side,鈥� says psychologist , author of and numerous other books on social and emotional development.

鈥淭here驶s sometimes a missing link, because it’s often actually lack of social skills that’s getting in the way of successful learning. So what they need to know is, how can they help kids do the kinds of social things that help them become good students and also popular with teachers to have as a student in a class?鈥�

Understanding social skills in elementary school

Some kids are naturally chatty and outgoing. Some are quieter and more reserved. Whatever your child驶s temperament, there will be times they鈥檒l need help and support to navigate the complicated social terrain of elementary school. Your goal is to set them up for success, cheer them on as they take steps to make friends and participate in group activities, and offer a sympathetic ear and plenty of support when things don驶t go well.

The best way for parents to foster social skills in elementary school is to create opportunities for social interaction so your child has opportunities to practice. Hopefully, your child驶s teacher plans activities that require students to work together, such as cooperative learning, group projects, reading and math games, and peer tutoring. These activities can help students practice their social skills, learn from each other, and build positive relationships.

Encourage your child to participate in extracurricular activities, such as clubs, sports, or camps, where they can meet new people and expand their social network. If you’re short on ideas, talk to your child驶s teacher and other parents to get recommendations or check out our resources.

Social skills for elementary school students: an overview

While some social skills develop naturally as kids pass through the normal developmental stages, many need to be taught more directly — and any skill can use reinforcement.

Specific social skills your child needs to interact successfully with others

• Greetings
• Asking questions
• Expressing opinions
• Giving feedback
• Negotiating
• Resolving conflicts

In addition, techniques for coping with stress and anxiety can be handy when kids experience disappointment or hurt feelings, fight with friends, or deal with teasing and even bullying. Kids need to learn social etiquette and expectations for different contexts, both at school and outside of it.

鈥淜ids need to learn that there are different rules and standards for different situations, and some are looser than others,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore, whose podcast answers kids驶 questions about social dynamics and challenges.

鈥淜ids might need to behave differently in the classroom than when they驶re walking home from school, and there are even stricter standards for occasions like a school assembly, concert, or formal social event.鈥�

You can help your child understand these distinct sets of expectations by preparing for different situations ahead of time. In addition to going over manners, rules of conduct, and other basics, you can give your child examples of things that might come up in the different scenarios and how to handle them. One of the best ways to help your child learn and to make it interactive — rather than a lecture, which almost never works — is to role play different scenarios with your child. Your child驶s teacher will use a host of methods to demonstrate and reinforce social skills from direct instruction to stories, movies, worksheets, and scenario-building.

Social skills challenges and opportunities

Kids do better both in the classroom and on the playground if they can work together with other kids, or with teachers, to set and achieve common goals — think group projects, reading circles, and studying for tests. But fitting into a group dynamic isn驶t always easy, and some kids are better than others at understanding and accommodating a mix of personalities.

鈥淚f they鈥檙e impulsive, for example, they might burst into conversation without any greeting, and if they don鈥檛 read social situations well, they might say something inappropriate or that makes other kids uncomfortable,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore.

If this is the case with your child, you may need to do some active coaching and role playing. Read books in which kids get into awkward situations, then ask your child, 鈥淲hy do you think that happened? What could they have done differently?鈥� When you’re at the playground, sports practices, and other events, point out ways that other kids are interacting, both positively and negatively, and help your child notice the differences.

If your child is often annoyed with friends during playdates or afterschool activities, they may need a reminder that sometimes kids have qualities and quirks we don驶t love or preferences we don驶t share, but these are outweighed by the things we do like about them.

鈥淭he skill of letting go is about accepting when things don鈥檛 go our way, or people don鈥檛 act the way we want, and moving past problems with friends,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淚t also includes being a good sport about winning and losing and refraining from correcting other kids.

Why social skills matter in elementary school

Putting your energy into encouraging good social skills is worthwhile for a host of reasons. Most of all, you’re helping your child build positive relationships with family, friends, teachers, and others. Some of these relationships and friendships will last a lifetime. While as adults we use the word social mostly in the context of off-the-clock activities, social skills are a key aspect of education for their role in helping communicate effectively, cooperate with others, and problem-solve.

Social skills are closely intertwined with communication skills, and as your child works on both they’ll be better able to articulate their thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and in a way that respects the needs of others. Listening, arguably the most important part of communication, helps your child understand other kids驶 feelings and perspectives and find common ground.

Watching a classroom full of kids, you can easily distinguish the ones who listen to the teacher, pay attention to instructions, and speak up at the right times, as compared with those who don鈥檛 pay attention, talk over others, interrupt, and share opinions at inappropriate times.

Of course, if your child has ADHD or ADD, paying attention poses particular challenges, ones you’ll need to work on with them. If you notice that your child daydreams, can驶t remember instructions, jumps from topic to topic, or has other issues with focus, talk with their teacher and pediatrician to learn how you might support your child.

Fostering social skills at the elementary level

Starting in second grade, friendships and peer relationships become more and more important. At the same time, many of your child驶s social situations will take place out of your sight and earshot. It驶s easy to feel out of the loop. While it’s true that your child is having social experiences on the playground and school bus, at friends驶 houses, and during after school activities that you’re not privy to, you can still play a big role in your child鈥檚 social skills development.

If your child doesn驶t make friends easily, you can help by encouraging them to join groups or activities where they’ll meet kids who share their interests. You might find this particularly important if your child isn驶t interested in popular sports and activities or has specific interests and passions, like building robots or learning about wildlife.

Children have conflicts big and small with friends at all ages. When your child is young, you (or the teacher) are likely to have the opportunity to intervene, mediate disagreements, and coach them through apologies and making up. The older they get, though, the more they need to solve these issues on their own.

Teaching perspective taking and empathy is key to helping your child learn to resolve conflicts.

鈥淥ne place to start is ask questions that help a child put themselves in the friend驶s shoes,鈥� says
Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淚f children have different views on how a game should go, you can ask, 驶Why do you think your friend wants it that way?驶 and help them think through the reasons the friend feels the way they do. Sometimes when we can understand what a friend wants or what matters to them, we’re in a better position to say what we want, which then makes it easier to compromise.鈥�

Practical activities for developing social skills

Many kids struggle when it comes to joining a group of kids, especially when they’re already involved in a game or sitting together in a chattering cluster.

鈥淭he two main ways kids have problems with this are either they hold back and hesitate to enter the group, or they barge in, disrupting the ongoing conversation or activity,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. The secret is learning to blend in, which can take many forms. If a game or an activity is already going on, the best way to join is to slide into the action without disrupting the flow; sit down to help with a jigsaw puzzle, for example, or join kids climbing the play structure. With a conversation, it驶s best to listen for a while to get the drift, then ask a question or contribute a comment that adds to the discussion without hijacking it in a new direction.

As they get older, kids are also trying to establish an individual identity and may fear being seen as a copycat. 鈥淏lending in doesn鈥檛 mean being exactly the same as everyone else or being a follower,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 about understanding and respecting other people鈥檚 point of view in order to work together, play a game, or have a good conversation.鈥�

The best way for parents to teach the art of compromise and negotiation — and most anything, really — is to model that behavior at home. In the context of common, low-stakes family discussions or disagreements, (e.g. what story to read or whether to go to the park on a rainy day) encourage everyone to say what they want and why. Teach your family to use I statements. Share your ideas and feelings and then discuss. Of course, in some situations you are the final arbiter, but you can still explain why something needs to happen or can驶t happen, listen to your child驶s arguments, and see if there驶s room for compromise. When you compromise, talk that through aloud so your child understands the give and take that happened. 鈥淪ince Daddy wants to go hiking and Johnny wants to play at the park. So how about we do the short hike that starts near Indian Valley elementary school? That way we can play at the school playground for 15 minutes before we hike. Is that a great compromise?鈥� Other conflicts that cannot be resolved by honoring both sets of needs in the moment can be put into context: 鈥淥kay, since Janie worked so hard to finish homework this week, she gets to pick the movie. Next Friday, Mason gets to pick. Deal?鈥�

Interactive social skills-building activities

If your child struggles with social skills and tends to get upset in certain situations, such as birthday parties or team sports, it’s useful to think through the situation together and role play the possibilities.

Set the scene by discussing with your child where the party will be, who might be there, and the kinds of activities that might be involved. (Hint: it’s perfectly okay to ask the parent giving the party any questions you might have, like whether the party is going to be outside or inside, or whether it’s a big group or just a few kids, and if there’s a craft or game involved.) Then you might talk through the types of awkward moments that sometimes happen, like the birthday child sticks closely to their best friend, already has your gift, or is unenthusiastic about a suggestion. If a difficult moment happened at a previous party, talk about that and discuss how your child might navigate the party landscape more gracefully this time.

Another area where role playing is helpful is when your child is about to do something for the first time, like having a sleepover at a friend驶s house. Talk about things that might happen, like eating dinner and getting ready for bed, so your child feels prepared. Your child might be particularly nervous about interacting with the friend驶s parents and any siblings, so you can discuss making conversation with grown-ups and what topics might come up, like school, vacations, and after-school activities. You can also talk about table manners, what to do if your child doesn驶t like the food, and how to handle rules that are different than those at your house.

Your child will need the same social skills at extended family gatherings, when your child might be meeting new people, like out-of-town relatives, so role play these as well. What happens if your child doesn’t like a cousin, and how does everyone deal with cranky or over-effusive aunts, uncles, and grandparents? When you’re visiting the homes of relatives or family friends, discuss how your child will handle it if the other kids suggest a game they don驶t know and what they should do if they have a request, like they want to play with a host驶s toy or video game.

Building empathy and communication skills

鈥淚t’s sort of a truism that kids with good social skills are going to be better students because they can ask questions in class or they can speak up with answers. But sometimes speaking up isn驶t such a good thing, like if you hear at a teacher conference that your child is the kid cracking inappropriate jokes and being the class clown or your child is the one the other kids don’t want to be in a group with because they talk over other kids or get off topic or disrupt,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. In this case, the goal isn驶t to be more social, but to tone it down and become more attuned to the overall dynamic. 鈥淎 lot of it comes with imagining other people’s perspective. So rather than lecturing our kids, which they are very good at tuning out, we can ask them to say what they think is happening. You can say to your child, 驶You tell me, why doesn’t the teacher like it when you crack jokes?驶 And we can have them pay attention to the reaction they get, like 驶How are the other kids responding when you do that?驶 With some empathy and imagination, they can become more sensitive to what驶s going on with others.鈥�

The class clown issue can interfere with making friends and being socially accepted in a broader way, too, Kennedy-Moore says. 鈥淲e all love to be around people who make us laugh, but trying to be funny is a very risky social strategy, because if you try to be funny and you’re just a little bit off, you’re not funny, you’re annoying. And unfortunately, a lot of kids are often a little bit off.鈥�

If you’re worried that your child驶s behavior is veering into the annoying, you can gently suggest another possible approach, like kindness. 鈥淎ll kids are capable of kindness, and it’s pretty straightforward. You just might need to make suggestions,鈥� Kennedy-Moore says, adding that one of her favorite strategies is the sincere compliment. 鈥淲e all tend to like people who appreciate our finer qualities,鈥� she says, noting it’s important that it be genuine and not just something pulled out of the air.

Another simple strategy is offering to help with something, she says, whether that驶s retrieving a ball during a game or giving a hand when kids are making or building something.

The impact of social skills in elementary school and beyond

If you need proof beyond your own instincts that having strong social skills will help set your child up for later success, you驶ll find it in recent research linking early social competence with greater well-being in young adulthood. When researchers followed a group of 700 children from age 5 to 25, they discovered that children who were better at sharing, listening, cooperating, and following the rules in kindergarten were more likely to go to college and hold a full-time job by 25. The , published in the American Journal of Public Health, also showed the converse to be true; the kids who had trouble listening, cooperating, and resolving conflicts were more likely to drop out of high school and had a far less chance of attending college. They also had a higher chance of being arrested, losing jobs, and suffering problems with alcohol and drug use.

With all this emphasis on the value of strong social skills, parents may feel anxious about helping kids get it right. But try not to stress if learning social skills presents challenges for your child. Remember that all children develop at their own pace.

鈥淪ometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to allow them to struggle a bit,鈥� says Kennedy-Moore. 鈥淭his helps our children develop important life skills, and it also shows our faith in their ability to grow and learn.鈥�

Equip your child with the tools they need, the concepts and practices of good social interaction, and they驶ll gradually develop competence and confidence in their own abilities. And if all of this seems overwhelming, remember that you have lots of partners working with you to instill good social skills in your child. Top among them are your child驶s teachers, who are your allies in helping your child succeed in every way, not just on report cards.